Ephemeralisation

It started with an unsolicited kiss.

I was homeless for a week and you wanted

to talk a bit more.

You put on music, bohemian folk

music and my soul was at ease.

I was sitting on the dreadful chair in

your room,

you stood across from me.

And then my eyes were closed,

your lips were on mine,

it was perfection in one moment.

One unsolicited moment.

My walls crashed down and I

opened my eyes and pushed you back.

'What was that for?'

'Because I wanted to.'

I ran that weekend,

three whole hours between us.

And you have been running too.

But why do we always come back?

Why did I fall for you,

why did you tell me you love me?

And what now?

'What now?'

I Want You

Take my hand and follow me into the ocean,

as the waves crash and break against us,

look up to the glorious sky and say your goodbyes.

No longer will the insanity rule our minds,

no more will the hurt tear our hearts.

Allow the cold water to surround you,

feel its heavy beauty,

feel my hand in yours.

You are as much mine as I am yours.

You have been projecting unto me out of fear of loss.

But baby, take my hand and follow me,

you are not alone in this.

Let it whisper,

seduction upon your skin,

let it welcome you into its limitless bounds.

A whole universe is waiting for us to make love and damn the consequence.

Come with me into the sea,

we can be forever as you've pleaded me for.

A Fortnight of Fireworks

Love is dancing off my fingers,

in a tangle of smoke,

in opaque bottles,

your kisses linger of silence.

I have touched you today but it's not enough,

it's turning out to be never enough.

Why are we still doing this?

This insane denial,

running like rust in our blood.

Do you not know?

There is no way to fight this,

all the coyness in the world,

cannot mask what this really is.

If only, if only you and I

can accept this for what it really is,

maybe we would not suffer being apart,

maybe the cigarette smoke will not sting our eyes,

maybe we can be silent and not complain.

Maybe we can be quiet and not be bothered,

maybe we can love each other and not be mad,

maybe, one day we will see that this is not

something to fight but something to revel in.

Maybe one day, one day,

you will see the things the way I do

and not deflect the way I do.

The silence is amazing after a fortnight of fireworks lighting up the sky.

And It's Just The Beginning

The notes are old,

The music as familiar as breathing,

My secrets have already been sold,

My heartbeats no longer regular.

Night falls and I wander,

My footsteps echoing in the dark,

Always alone with no thoughts in my mind,

I enjoy the silence, finally.

Cigarette smoke linger in the tangle of my dying curls,

My lips painted red, I do not care,

The bittersweet taste of consequences on my tongue,

Will never turn into the rust of regret,

I know my heart and it changes,

With each passing moment,

It is ephemeral in the way it loves.

Nobody but you can trust in its immortality,

If only you knew!

Too transient for everybody but somehow,

you.

You came along and put your hands on me,

And I question everything.

De Noviembre, Luna Loca

Even when you've left,

I can still feel you,

your gentle breath on my skin,

your sleeping face in my hands.

Even towns apart,

you manage to catch my fall.

The nights have been too frantic,

madness personified,

we dance through the flashing lights,

we talk through the difficult hours.

Why have you picked me?

Out of all the flowers in this vast field, why me?

I adorn myself with what you've given me and I

can see behind your hazel eyes,

I am there, in your thoughts.

When will you take me with you,

when will these broken weeks come to an end?

Do you not know, baby?

Stop refusing the darkness within this,

let the right one in so some light can shine through.

Come back home,

come home and hold me and never let me go,

how you could not before.

C'est La Vie, St Albans

Rust creeps into my blood,

The wind takes me elsewhere,

The thought of leaving you behind was a reprieve,

But your name resounds in my heart

And so I reach for you,

To find you,

To find you already here.

For some reason or other,

The universe draws us closer,

As we fight, drowning in solitary misery,

No matter how far we think we can run from it,

Love finds us, it binds us until we can no longer

breathe free of it.

In this place away from home,

I have come looking for crystals,

Candle light flickers from the dark windows

lining this street with no name,

Magic is only a myth here as I find the

crystals packed away in boxes,

And as I walk away,

In the cold as darkness falls early,

I see you, in your damned long coat and my

will falters.

Shall we just swallow the truth like honey?

On The Edge Of Glory, Hanging Onto The Truth

For my sweetheart the drunk,

I dance in his arms as I light up the stars in his heart.

Can I survive this, this recurrence of fate?

As we lay in bed,

he tells me everything and nothing I want to know,

as the words tumble out from his lips as it rests on mine,

I learn his closely guarded secret.

I am not alone in this,

this wretched madness,

I am not alone as he takes hold of both my hands

and whispers sweet nothings.

We are both fucked,

as we look into each other's eyes and

smiling becomes an involuntary function,

he asks me my name.

How?

How does he know I answer to a different name,

that I march to a different beat.

How does he know anything when I've let on nothing.

This is dangerous,

what we've been doing.

We can predict the ending,

tears have already been shed,

why is he still holding onto me,

why do I still kiss him?

Before the music subsides,

before the night is through,

before the year is over,

can we resolve this,

do we even want to anymore?

Peace for Love

for too long my window couldn't be opened

for fear of freedom,

you kept me at bay.

but watch me air my opinions now,

do you have anything to say?

took my books away,

you didn't want me to grow up,

take my pen away,

you don't want me to rebel.

all you see are malleable minds,

you cannot see the soul that dwells inside,

wanting to fly, waiting to outshine you all.

who would've thought

all your big talk,

all the propaganda

is just your mask of greed.

i admit defeat,

you will not change,

power calls, its voice to great,

but just you wait,

the truth will prevail

and how will you hide,

how will you run,

when the fire you suppressed comes roaring out.

so finally, i unlock my window,

watch my wings,

they've grown beautifully wrong.

you clipped them back but it wasn't enough,

can't shut me up without compromising yourself.

you lied to us,

took away our voice,

but hear me sing now,

what do you have to say?

i say bring them home,

let there be peace for love,

fireplaces and living rooms deserve a man at home,

been empty too long while you fought

too long, too long this despair you brought,

disguised as duty,

you know nothing of it.

so hear me sing

what have you got to say?

Transcendental

Her mind was an open field;

He reveled in its spaciousness,

Dancing in the splendour of its simplicity.

Her hands grew hot,

Glowing like an ember.

Their eyes met from across the room,

Impossibility forgotten,

They invited each other into what was once separate.

There were no impediments to the connection,

It pulled them together,

Enclosing them in a haven of blue light,

Calm, beautiful and everlasting.

She loved him with all her heart

And he's stopped warding off the insanity.

Such a sweet consequence of sin this was,

He did not care that her powers were terrifying,

She did not care that he knew of her most closely-guarded secret.

The universe descended upon them,

A blanket of night sky,

The backdrop to their northern lights.

This love was transcendental,

An ascension claimed their hearts,

They were no longer apart,

That amazing blue light sealing their bond,

Their hands touched

And the future exploded.

Cancer Boy

the simplest things would set him off

off and away on a voyage of his own

and he drowns in the murky, tainted waters

of his zodiac.

i could only watch in despair

and frustration grows

at a loss as to what there is for me to do

to bring him back home.

i am a hypocrite walking away

but my heart constricts

and my belly churns

ordering my feet to take me into space.

i breathe alone,

my nicotine-laced exhalations

murdering the environment.

my love is solid,

a physical corporeal being engulfing the earth.

in decadence i indulge

choosing to forget the life i have to lead

selective of my memories and fantasies.

he is the one

perfect

i know this in the deep chasms of my soul

but. my experience and my mind is waging war

on my delirious heart.

we have reached a stalemate,

cancer boy and i.

i hug him,

hoping for my light to transfer

unto him like osmosis.

such an ugly dying world we occupy

beauty only a notion in our eyes

i cannot carry this

the weight of water is crushing on me

calm down, Cancer Boy,

i am not a mirage,

i am yours to have

for as long as you would have me.

2009

I have been losing this year.

I've lost my sense of self,

I've lost love, time.

My identity stolen,

appropriated by thieves.

My freedom restrained by responsibility,

I've fought for my lover and my friends,

unreciprocated.

Everything broken,

Only my faith and conscience intact.

I close my eyes to wish for silence,

opening my heart to no avail.

I am a shadow,

under a canopy of leaves and dust.

I am secret,

a dream realised too soon.

I am not who I am,

I am who they want me to be:

a future, a rectification of their mistakes,

an immortal to their imminent death.

I am not a daughter or a friend,

I am a fallback,

a bravery for their fears,

a conduit for blame of their shortcomings.

I am not a person,

I am a doll,

beautiful and malleable.

Why am I still here?

Yale

Soft music creeps up the stairway,

Subtle beats like ballerina footsteps,

Bass lines chasing piano arpeggios.

I turn my eyes upward,

My hands on the wooden banister,

I walk slowly,

The music behind me like a draping cape of promises,

of wonder and awaiting amazement.

He had the most prolific library,

Boastful and bursting,

Leather-bound first editions,

teetering cracked spines,

Rare paperback novels,

Collections of essays and poetry,

And scores of lined paper,

covered in ink and some empty,

waiting to become a store of memories and fantasies.

As I leave it behind me,

Walking up towards him

as if I was walking into the sun,

I hear him call my name,

the sound sweeter than music.

I see his hands beckoning me closer,

And as I close my eyes to breathe him in,

He pulled me closer,

And all thoughts of books disappear.

Transcending

i work with papers and pens,

you work with electricity at your fingertips.

i see the light,

you bring the dark.

we are perfect for each other,

water and earth reveling in the night sky.

northern lights to your ecstasy,

my hands burning with blue light.

i carry full bags under my eyes,

stained black with days-old mascara.

i look into yours,

such warmth and strangeness,

you enchant me into believing.

time passes without meaning,

waves of good and evil,

bringing you to your knees,

bringing tears down my cheeks.

Restrictive Covenants

Shadows of my past creep under my skin,

The anger, impatience and faithlessness,

I suppress the blackness of my heart,

Allowing only light to be showcased from my laughter.

The hatred long-replaced by hippie carefreeness,

I am no longer accustomed to keeping secrets,

My heart a harbour hidden behind eloquence,

No one knows.

No one knows what lies beneath,

A poison seeping in, catalysing madness.

He looks at me as Brendan looks at Lia,

Amazed and afraid,

he treads on broken glass to get to me.

Having finally let go of despairing encumbrances,

I am fighting tooth and nails to stay away,

Away from the constraints of love.

I am no longer broken, yes,

but I do not want to open myself up yet.

I carry the guilt like a gypsy,

Hoping, praying, that unspoken promises would be enough.

I cannot be moulded,

My skin sheds like a snake's,

I am earth but I am not clay.

For both our sakes,

Let the pieces unfold without overwhelming consequences,

I am trying not to run,

But please do not restrain me, do not despair if I do.

Surrealism

His name is familiar to my mind,

Yet strange on my tongue,

His words like deja vu,

Everything I've only ever dreamed about.

Time stands still,

Rushing past with no effect.

Inspiration no longer eludes me,

My soul safe, tied to his

The world disappears as I close my eyes against his.

He looks at me and my heart stops,

My thoughts halt mid-sentence

And I am at peace.

It's still surreal,

this perfection.

He Stood, Regal Against A Blue Light

Every little touch,

Every lust-filled look,

Like feather-tipped clouds,

Brushing across my skin.

I stand unclothed before you,

Watching you watching me.

Every missed call,

Every unread letter,

Lingers in my mind,

Like pyrotechnics wishing for electricity.

I watch you smoke,

Your face beautiful and calm,

You hold my hand and

the world falls away,

into silence.

A connection like nothing before,

A certainty incomprehensible.

You are in my heart,

You always have been,

You were the answer all along,

How could I have missed it?

Running in the Dark, Looking for the Swings

I watched her walk away,

Her dress white and short,

I could see into her mind,

She wanted to run,

To taste the freedom in the wind she created,

To dance to the beat of her feet hitting the gravel.

I watched him chase after her,

A love story unfinished in his mind.

She is alone and better off that way,

He cannot fathom how love could not be enough.

I watched her look back at him,

As he struggles to keep up,

Her soul like fireworks on New Year's Eve,

Saying goodbye to him.

I watched her laugh,

As he struggles to come to terms with her terms.

I watched her finally understand,

And I watched her watching me,

A genuine smile slowly forming on her pouting lips.

The Last Days

Flowers form a ring around my fingers,

fragrant and poisonous,

dangerous beauty on my skin.

I look up to the sky,

a blinding blue,

ridiculous in its lightness.

Love dances around me,

fueling the air with freedom.

A peacock sits regally on my lap,

unnoticed, a myriad of colours.

The last days are here,

descending like angels of destruction,

peace beats still in my heart,

a yearning for silence and slowness, stillness.

The Light Changes When You're In The World

It's been a while since I've written in permanence,

A while since I last understood,

Too long since I last communed with the universe.

But now I know,

Love is never a decision,

Never a choice.

It needs to run free-willed in my veins,

Not a thought or a notion,

Not a relationship or a definition.

Let me catch your dreams,

Allow me to tread your waters.

Time stands still and true,

Ineffective as we kiss,

Hours turn into minutes,

Minutes feel like seconds,

Each moment ephemeral,

I lose myself, my soul in the changing light of the world.

KEROSENE

It burned in silence.

I watched the flames taking over,

beautiful and dangerous.

The voices said their goodbyes

and the night became filled with light.

I watched it burn,

vengeance dictating my heartbeats.

The city is not safe tonight,

I made sure of it.