Solitary Refinement

No one can fully comprehend the precision with which isolation has found me, how much I cannot completely be loved as how I need to be loved, how deeply, heart-wrenchingly I wish I am not alone.

Words are empty to me. Moments flickering, ephemeral, never lasting.
A year can pass with constant company and the happiness that follow but one night, one hour, one second apart and I crumble, fallen as if I have never stood before.

Maybe it is a choice as they say, but what if I'm not the one choosing?
What if I am the one chosen?

To carry the everlasting ascribed burden of loneliness.
To only be present in the past and future, never being satisfied with what is now.

Impulses beat within my heart, electrifying my fingertips, setting my skin on constant fire.

I turn to you for asylum.
But who am I to do that?

Dancing

Love is dancing outside my window,
Freedom inviting me to let go,
To forget and to laugh.

I see you in my imagination,
beautiful and perfect,
you speak of the universe and of the human condition,
you wait for me as I wait for you.

High heels and dreamcatcher pendants,
history sold like secrets on the streets,
gypsies and troubadors,
caravans and acoustic guitars.
This is me in limbo,
growing up with my heart broken yet beating.

I see you in my dreams,
you come to me in an effort to help,
peaceful and perfect,
you save me as I save you.

Love is dancing with me and I believe.
It's not enough but I still believe.



....photo courtesy of the Hubble Space Telescope....(the hodge 301 cluster - multiple generations of stars in the tarantula nebula)

Northern Lights

I'm walking backwards into the ocean
My feet bare and my hands open and empty
The past has taught me nothing
And life goes on,
Its beauty transient and of the moment.

I've foregone other connections
And I'm left with a million unanswered questions,
Ignored potential and conflicting principles,
Ambiguous sentences and unfinished thoughts,
And life went on.

The years pass without my notice,
Days devoid of actualisation.
We laugh and forget,
We dance and say goodbye,
Slowness sets in and my rut grew embellishments,
Decorated with illusions and selective memory.

Northern lights call me away from the city,
My dreams call me away from you.
There is proof of love within our hearts,
But is it enough to keep me from walking back into the ocean?


...Disclaimer: Painting of Aurora Borealis from a Google search, I take absolutely no credit for it.

EXODUS

It was just me, Lidia and Lola beneath the open-mouthed salivating sky. We stabbed silently at our already bleeding hearts, gutting them of the remnants of that thing called 'love'. We were jaded, our eyes now broken glass full of bonfire anger and hunger and mortality.
As we were killing ourselves to feed our pain, our skins created friction, touching, scarred, hurting, train tracks, microscopic holes. I gasp, overwhelmed by the orgasmic energy of suicide. Broken. Over.

Dangerous Angels

Dust gathers in my arms, coating your void.
I've made my decision, I'm sewing shut my mouth,
Sealing in my secrets and kisses.
I'm sewing shut my eyes,
Sealing in the hurt, the glass, the glamour.
I've been dangerous for far too long,
Growing and breaking my wings too many times
I've been procrastinating my insanity,
Building up the madness in my mind.
And so the gates open one fine day
The rush of schizophrenic seizures,
catatonic calls and overwhelming waves
Hit me all at once, fucked me up big time.
I was in love, and I was loved back
I had passion and I had a friend.
But society felt my fire had to be put out,
Woke me up from romanticism with cold water.
I had to be separated from a soul-mate,
Disattach me from supposedly dancing delusions.
My parents never knew, they shot their own daughter
I fell down like a dog falling from the night sky.
I'm broken up, not gonna bother keeping it together now.




....... just something from my 2006 archive.........

Overdrive

Following recent events that caused the breakage of my heart and therefore my mind, I'm going back to face my demons and battle with my Borderline Personality Disorder. I cannot undergo psychotherapy or pharmacotheraphy so as to save my parents from distress, so I'm going to be self-learning coping skills. I do have some idea on how to proceed, and I am so sorry but I cannot seek social help. Someone I loved very much shouted at me last night to stop thinking selfish thoughts before hanging up on me and that was my trigger for wanting to deal with the fucking disorder, without burdening anyone else.
BPD has affected my life for too long and I had unknowingly allowed it to deteriorate my relationships. Before it can get any worse, I'm going to deal with it.
I don't know how long I'll be gone or if I'm ever coming back but tipsygypsywoman might act as a journal of my treatment.

Peace, Love, and Math,
L.A.

Tabula Rasa

maybe i've run out of benefits of your doubt
you've put up with all my shit for way too long
maybe it's over for now but please don't shut me out
maybe love isn't enough but you are where i belong.

when you smile at me and you mean it
my world lights up and inflates, ready to fly
and when you hold my hand and tell me to sit
beside you, behind you, before you i would die
when you just look at me
i am happy beyond words and reactions
when you laugh with me
they don't exist, baby, the issues and complications.

so how 'bout a clean slate?
forget about the secrets and lies to date.
how bout we start over?
since we already have forever.