Thursday, April 23, 2009
Understand this: I do not know who I am.
I'm probably the vaguest person I know. I sum everything up in beautiful poetic pieces of prose, describing it in such eloquence that I miss the point entirely. This way, I trick others into regarding me as an intellectual when if stripped completely, I have absolutely no substance.
So many have fallen for my trick and are disappointed when they look beyond my mask and find a phantom instead of a princess. And they react accordingly, slowly retracting themselves away.
And I get stuck with abandonment, rejection and a haunting sense of loss.
I replace what should be my own opinions, passions and stands with what I assimilate from others.
In other words, I'm a million pieces of a billion people all wrapped in one shiny package with fake sparkles I pick up randomly to shine behind my eyes.
Not many of my 'friends' understand this about me; my struggle with identity, and the gorgeous masks and facades I paint over the confusion within. Those unfortunate enough to see the scared little girl shivering underneath are astonished at finding her, and they feel an obligation to help.
And of course, being a scared, jaded little girl, I rebel and refuse their help.
This is my story. This is how I am where I am now: alone, confused, alienated. I have pushed away those who love the parts of me that are essentially ME and I'm still doing so.
So that's why I'm changing.
My mind needs a revolution.
It's been too complacent, revisiting the same cycles of shit.
My heart needs silence.
My poor, wretched heart, twisted into complicated knots; knots I caused, knots others tangled within it; my heart needs a reprieve, the relief of silence. Its beats need to be of its own accord, coming into existence naturally.
And what do I need?