Thursday, December 9, 2010

Cancer Boy

the simplest things would set him off
off and away on a voyage of his own
and he drowns in the murky, tainted waters
of his zodiac.
i could only watch in despair
and frustration grows
at a loss as to what there is for me to do
to bring him back home.
i am a hypocrite walking away
but my heart constricts
and my belly churns
ordering my feet to take me into space.
i breathe alone,
my nicotine-laced exhalations
murdering the environment.
my love is solid,
a physical corporeal being engulfing the earth.
in decadence i indulge
choosing to forget the life i have to lead
selective of my memories and fantasies.
he is the one
i know this in the deep chasms of my soul
but. my experience and my mind is waging war
on my delirious heart.
we have reached a stalemate,
cancer boy and i.
i hug him,
hoping for my light to transfer
unto him like osmosis.
such an ugly dying world we occupy
beauty only a notion in our eyes
i cannot carry this
the weight of water is crushing on me
calm down, Cancer Boy,
i am not a mirage,
i am yours to have
for as long as you would have me.

Sunday, November 28, 2010


I have been losing this year.
I've lost my sense of self,
I've lost love, time.
My identity stolen,
appropriated by thieves.
My freedom restrained by responsibility,
I've fought for my lover and my friends,
Everything broken,
Only my faith and conscience intact.
I close my eyes to wish for silence,
opening my heart to no avail.
I am a shadow,
under a canopy of leaves and dust.
I am secret,
a dream realised too soon.
I am not who I am,
I am who they want me to be:
a future, a rectification of their mistakes,
an immortal to their imminent death.
I am not a daughter or a friend,
I am a fallback,
a bravery for their fears,
a conduit for blame of their shortcomings.
I am not a person,
I am a doll,
beautiful and malleable.
Why am I still here?


Soft music creeps up the stairway,
Subtle beats like ballerina footsteps,
Bass lines chasing piano arpeggios.
I turn my eyes upward,
My hands on the wooden banister,
I walk slowly,
The music behind me like a draping cape of promises,
of wonder and awaiting amazement.
He had the most prolific library,
Boastful and bursting,
Leather-bound first editions,
teetering cracked spines,
Rare paperback novels,
Collections of essays and poetry,
And scores of lined paper,
covered in ink and some empty,
waiting to become a store of memories and fantasies.
As I leave it behind me,
Walking up towards him
as if I was walking into the sun,
I hear him call my name,
the sound sweeter than music.
I see his hands beckoning me closer,
And as I close my eyes to breathe him in,
He pulled me closer,
And all thoughts of books disappear.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


i work with papers and pens,
you work with electricity at your fingertips.
i see the light,
you bring the dark.
we are perfect for each other,
water and earth reveling in the night sky.
northern lights to your ecstasy,
my hands burning with blue light.
i carry full bags under my eyes,
stained black with days-old mascara.
i look into yours,
such warmth and strangeness,
you enchant me into believing.
time passes without meaning,
waves of good and evil,
bringing you to your knees,
bringing tears down my cheeks.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Restrictive Covenants

Shadows of my past creep under my skin,
The anger, impatience and faithlessness,
I suppress the blackness of my heart,
Allowing only light to be showcased from my laughter.
The hatred long-replaced by hippie carefreeness,
I am no longer accustomed to keeping secrets,
My heart a harbour hidden behind eloquence,
No one knows.
No one knows what lies beneath,
A poison seeping in, catalysing madness.
He looks at me as Brendan looks at Lia,
Amazed and afraid,
he treads on broken glass to get to me.
Having finally let go of despairing encumbrances,
I am fighting tooth and nails to stay away,
Away from the constraints of love.
I am no longer broken, yes,
but I do not want to open myself up yet.
I carry the guilt like a gypsy,
Hoping, praying, that unspoken promises would be enough.
I cannot be moulded,
My skin sheds like a snake's,
I am earth but I am not clay.
For both our sakes,
Let the pieces unfold without overwhelming consequences,
I am trying not to run,
But please do not restrain me, do not despair if I do.

Friday, November 12, 2010


His name is familiar to my mind,
Yet strange on my tongue,
His words like deja vu,
Everything I've only ever dreamed about.
Time stands still,
Rushing past with no effect.
Inspiration no longer eludes me,
My soul safe, tied to his
The world disappears as I close my eyes against his.
He looks at me and my heart stops,
My thoughts halt mid-sentence
And I am at peace.
It's still surreal,
this perfection.

He Stood, Regal Against A Blue Light

Every little touch,
Every lust-filled look,
Like feather-tipped clouds,
Brushing across my skin.
I stand unclothed before you,
Watching you watching me.
Every missed call,
Every unread letter,
Lingers in my mind,
Like pyrotechnics wishing for electricity.
I watch you smoke,
Your face beautiful and calm,
You hold my hand and
the world falls away,
into silence.
A connection like nothing before,
A certainty incomprehensible.
You are in my heart,
You always have been,
You were the answer all along,
How could I have missed it?

Running in the Dark, Looking for the Swings

I watched her walk away,
Her dress white and short,
I could see into her mind,
She wanted to run,
To taste the freedom in the wind she created,
To dance to the beat of her feet hitting the gravel.

I watched him chase after her,
A love story unfinished in his mind.

She is alone and better off that way,
He cannot fathom how love could not be enough.

I watched her look back at him,
As he struggles to keep up,
Her soul like fireworks on New Year's Eve,
Saying goodbye to him.
I watched her laugh,
As he struggles to come to terms with her terms.

I watched her finally understand,
And I watched her watching me,
A genuine smile slowly forming on her pouting lips.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Last Days

Flowers form a ring around my fingers,
fragrant and poisonous,
dangerous beauty on my skin.
I look up to the sky,
a blinding blue,
ridiculous in its lightness.
Love dances around me,
fueling the air with freedom.
A peacock sits regally on my lap,
unnoticed, a myriad of colours.
The last days are here,
descending like angels of destruction,
peace beats still in my heart,
a yearning for silence and slowness, stillness.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The Light Changes When You're In The World

It's been a while since I've written in permanence,
A while since I last understood,
Too long since I last communed with the universe.
But now I know,
Love is never a decision,
Never a choice.
It needs to run free-willed in my veins,
Not a thought or a notion,
Not a relationship or a definition.
Let me catch your dreams,
Allow me to tread your waters.
Time stands still and true,
Ineffective as we kiss,
Hours turn into minutes,
Minutes feel like seconds,
Each moment ephemeral,
I lose myself, my soul in the changing light of the world.


It burned in silence.
I watched the flames taking over,
beautiful and dangerous.
The voices said their goodbyes
and the night became filled with light.
I watched it burn,
vengeance dictating my heartbeats.
The city is not safe tonight,
I made sure of it.

Saturday, November 6, 2010


Her dark eyes held forgotten memories and sold secrets. With the ocean crashing and breaking around her bare ankles, she gathered her skirts carefully, almost as if she was gathering her courage. From between her legs came a deep call, a whirlpool of a current of maddening desire, overpowering rationality and bringing her gasping, begging for a visit from sin. A full moon rose, big and lonely, occupying the night sky, taunting and teasing her pheromones, haunting her waking dreams.
His hands absent from her skin.
Her lips meet only air as his words fall from grace, turning from promises into lies. She gathered her skirts, her knuckles turning white from the pressure of her fingers clenched tightly upon the silks, almost to the point of breakage. As her heart beats to the rhythm of the rising tide, she turns her face defiantly up to the moonlight. Insanity whispered softly , sweetly invocating her infatuation. With the stable half of her mind gone, and with barely enough control, she breaks her skirts, tearing the fabric as if she was tearing at her soul. Tears going home.
His hands absent from her skin.
Alone and walking naked, she was welcomed into the sea. Memories drowned and secrets unraveled as her tears went home. From between her legs, the call rang hollow and unanswered. From within her heart, love manifested into wreckage as its call echoed back unrequited.
His hands
Beautiful in its uselessness
Perfect like a professionally-taken photograph
His words
Rare as its occasion
Perfect like prose poetry
Quickly becoming a scarce commodity
As the sea claims her and damn
His hands absent from her skin.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Mr Ananth

A month has passed in darkness and despair,
I fell and skinned my knees and
I adorn myself with black.
The loss was unbearable,
The anguish a symphony of fear,
Robbing me of air and faith.
My soul is forever tied to his,
and even though my future no longer has a crutch,
I remember him with admiration.
He was my saviour and
this unwarranted tragedy has taught me to be on my own,
to believe in myself and my limitless potential.
I mourn my loss and I mourn for his family,
The best man in the world no longer with us,
We cope, knowing his legacy beats within our hearts.
I love him for trusting me,
I've been angry and abandoned,
But when I close my eyes,
his smile, his soul comforts me from afar.
I raise a glass of whiskey to his memory.
And on that note,

Final Quarter of This Year

I bask in the heat,
Under a blue, blue sky,
I close my eyes.
My mind free, finally,
from thoughts of you.
Two years passed without change,
without growth.
The day you broke my heart
was the day
I took my first untainted breath.
I collect myself from the ashes you burned,
pieces of me like shells on a shore,
scattered and surrounded by dirt.
I brush the dust off my heart and
it begins to beat again,
no longer stagnant,
no longer dictated.
I turn my back on you,
and he catches me as I stumble.
An unexpected, ineffable gift,
I breathe free as I breathe him in.

Man O' War

When the light comes out of hiding,
I am left standing alone, amazed, enchanted,
The world had disappeared into darkness
And September brought an end to the eclipse.
Every day is a discovery,
I am running, content
I begin to dream again,
To speak and laugh, absolutely free.
Patterned ink cover my hands,
I adorn them with culture.
My name is finally familiar to me,
Memories disjointed but easily recognised,
The past year was a notion of loss and fear,
desperation in love,
I stopped breathing, stopped singing.
A jellyfish in the ocean restored my faith,
I begin to eat and pray,
I begin to hope for belief in love.
My light eluded me,
Now it's all behind me and
I stand alone, regal and amazing.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

I Am No Man

It matters not that love was created and
Invented about the wit and humour of man
It matters not that the night shall wax and wane
That the tide shall take its leave of us
And return in due time
It matters not that love requires an epiphany
It matters not that love is a sophist, a masochist and a sadist
For it had been founded upon the heart of man
Of which hath the attention span of shit
That love shall wilt
It matters not
For I am a woman
And I go by no man's rules
I shall love thee 'til my last breath
I shall love thee with a kind of love
That besieges a woman
Of which is immortal

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Sound the Bells

The moon hangs low in the sky,
my eyelashes thick with smoke and
my hands shaking,
I walk alone in the dark.
It has been a month of worry,
passing unremarkably in a haze of espresso and books.
My soul is weary and my skin longs to meet the sun.
I am in the final hours
of the week deciding my future
and I can no longer stand,
my lungs aching and my tears drying.
There is nobody holding my hand,
no words of concern and encouragement.
I walk alone in the dark.
A week from now,
I see only darkness.

Saturday, February 13, 2010


i am content being alone,
surrounded by colours.

lomo cameras and photography jargon,
i wonder if they know of profound connection,
meditation and rosary beads.
their eyelashes reaching up to the sky,
their gaze empty of comprehension but
alight with enthusiasm.

strange music drift along,
uneven beats and thoughtless lyrics.
how beautiful silence is in comparison,
the constant companion of deserts and oceans.

menthol cigarettes and virgin margaritas,
my friends embrace me with love,
a birthday like no other,
a heart broken like always before,
a bouquet of red roses
from a new acquaintance.

in my corner,
i dream out loud,
coffee and peace on my mind,
twenty-one is a good number.

.............written January 16, 2010....................